Mia Madafferi, a lawyer and high-conflict negotiation coach, is using her experience dealing with victims of emotional abuse to raise awareness of a dangerous behaviour known as ‘narcissistic hoovering’.

Taking to social media, the US solicitor spoke of five signs that your over-bearing other-half could be exhibiting this behaviour, and encourages those at the receiving end of it to act fast.

Unless you’ve come face-to-face with a real-life narcissist, it can hard to get your head around the types of behaviour they’re likely to demonstrate.

What is a narcissist?

The clinical term ‘narcissist’ is used to describe someone suffering a pathological level of self-absorption, and it is often used by therapists and relationship expert. It can refer to a broad spectrum of harmful behaviours.

The main essence of narcissistic behaviour, however, is that is can often make the person at the other end feel guilty or as if they’re always doing something wrong.

Sadly, however, one of the main traits of these individuals is that, in the majority of cases, they’re able to hide their tendencies from their partner, meaning that manipulation often flies under the radar, despite how it makes the other person feel.

This could also result in the victim of this behaviour feeling trapped, when something called ‘narcissistic hoovering’ exhibited by their partner ceaselessly draws them back in.

What is narcissistic hoovering?

Enter, Madafferi – to raise awareness of this potentially dangerous behaviour.

“If a narcissist senses you have seen through them or are withdrawing from the relationship,” she explained on a recent social media post. “Or fears you will leave them, hoovering is a manipulation tactic they use to suck you back in.

“They must have your attention, good or bad, so they deploy hoovering tactics to maintain their sense of power and control.”

Signs of narcissistic hoovering

The lawyer has listed five behaviours that fall under the branch of ‘narcissistic hoovering’, the first being, ‘Apologising for the past and promising to change’.

A promise, she emphasises, doesn’t mean that change is automatically underway. Actions are the only means of re-securing trust in broken relationships.

Next up is ‘Love bombing with intensity and charm’.

Love bombing is a form of manipulation that which often sees the narcissist showering their partner with affection as a means of distracting them from their harmful behaviour.

Madafferi also lists ‘frequent excuses to make contact’ as a means of drawing someone back in who has expressed doubts about the relationship, and ‘gaslighting and finger pointing’.

‘Gaslighting’ describes a manipulative tactic used to force someone to question their reality, memory or perceptions – so, this might see the narcissist convince their partner that they’re at fault, and therefore shouldn’t be leaving the relationship.

And finally, she says a ‘sudden crisis’ – an apparent breakdown, a change in lifestyle, or a new routine – could be used as a means of convincing their partner that it’s time for a fresh start, as opposed to them ending things.

“This effective re-entry into someone’s life has nothing to do with rekindling a flame,” Madafferi says. “It’s a tactic to assert power and control, while opening the valve for more narcissistic supply.

“For the victim of abuse, this can feel overwhelming, leaving an intense desire to respond with anger, love or hope.”

When it comes to advice, she encourages victims to get in touch with professional help as a means of finalising the end of a romance.

“Be neutral, brief, and don’t break your boundaries. Prioritise you,” she adds.

“I cannot stress this enough, this is a part of the abuse cycle – choose you!”