Two major events happened last week, and these will forever shape the future of Uganda. The first major event was about my cross-over from Manchester United to FC Barcelona. I have lived the last three years as a fan of Manchester United in hiding. But my Apostle told me henceforth to not associate myself with failure. 

With this trending movement of Lamine Yamal, I have jumped onto the Barca (pronounced Basa) train. I thus officially subscribe to FC Barcelona and SC Villa. The second event of the week was the terrible loss of Kyaggwe County. As the future Mayor of Nkokonjeru City, this loss gave me not just a fever and a dystopian view of the future. In the good old days, this was meant to be Kyaggwe’s victory. How did they lose? How could they? 

What happened to the basezi of Bukunja? In the good old days, you could not even ignite a motor-vehicle in Bukunja. How then could the people of Buddu steal this cup? I consoled myself and said, either way, my mother’s maternal roots are in Buddu, and my ordinary level schooling happened in Kitovu, Buddu. 

I had to pick up the phone and call my auntie, Professor Nabutono, the country’s leading expert on the Bukunja theory. I have never visited her home. She has always dared me to visit and prove her Bukunja theories wrong. But I am now ready to visit. Those basezi do not exist anymore. I suspect the trade became unprofitable and most migrated to Dubaya. They now form the bulk of the Kadamas.

Speaking of Kadamas, while returning home, one Kadama complained; ‘Banange bwotuuka ku Airport Entebbe owuliira nga agudde mu Kkinya.’ Mbu upon one’s arrival at the Entebbe Airport, one experiences the same pain akin to hitting a pothole in Frank Rusa’s city. 

But regardless, I am healing. On Sunday, my family kikoosi; Kisakye, Mukyala Luks and Tiny (the leader of the Gen Zs) treated me to a Lido Beach fried fish festival. Gwe, Lido Beach is the hangout spot for Bagaga Kwagalana. Okay this information is for those that seek to escape poverty through the unfamiliar means. I ate a whole fish, but Mukyala Luks showed a rare experience in demolishing this Tilapia family. 

Now that I am back home, I have set out to give Kampala and Uganda one last chance. I do not want to become a Muzungu Border. My Apostle told me to speak in tongues against such spiritual attacks. Mbu while other cities are attracting the best in Private Equity and Venture Capital, Kampala is attracting a Muzungu Border. Perhaps we should officially appoint him an ambassador of this city. But people, I have real good news.

The original symbol of Kampala was the ‘Impala.’ And the Impala represents a rebirth and renewal. It is high time we made the most of this symbol. Just as Christianity has the cross, we can have our Impala. It is agile, it is swift, it represents wisdom, courage, all the qualities currently missing in Kampala.

We only hope that the people who eat the ka-animal at Kyadondo do not argue that their ka-animal is more popular than the Impala. Finally, I have been mooting a new idea. Instead of keeping the cartoonist of this column idle in a potholed city, I could engage him on a Manga series. We already have enough content, and willing buyers.

Many men in their late ‘30s and ‘40s (the James Onens) of this cowntry will binge on our content. After all, there is even a content drought in Kampala. Why else, for example, would the online in-laws hate on Amito finding love? What business do we have with people finding love, loving each other and glowing in love? You see, in our manga series, we can give people more things to talk about. For example, in Episode one, we could show Ortega realising that the Kampala Food industry borders on a top scam.

Mbu one day after you taste a real Mexican burger, you will be in shock and wonder. All along what kind of burger was sold in Kampala? Or when you get a chance to taste real butter chicken and realise all the Indian restaurants in Kampala had taken you for a ride. With that said, GNL Zamba is coming back to save Uganda’s Hiphop, Michael Ross is coming back to save Uganda’s RnB.

Who knows, Barbara Yata could also return and save Uganda’s TV personalities. Oh Barbara Yata. What a name! What a concept! If there was anything good, it was Yata. If there was a name, it was Yata. And people, that is life, sometimes you can be too early on the scene. On judgement day, Yata will be my excuse. I will tell the Heavens about Yata. 

Now without Yata, we are left on our own, to create our own stories. Who is the Yata of our age? Gash? Mama D? Full Figure? Okay people, go argue with your potholes.