The English language includes terms for couples at nearly every stage of a relationship—boyfriend, girlfriend, partner, husband, wife, spouse. So, what do you call a person who is engaged to be married? As it turns out, there are two options: fiancé and fiancée. When the terms for an engaged partner evolved away from old-fashioned forms like “my betrothed” or “my intended,” speakers turned to the French to borrow the now-common words fiancé and fiancée. The terms have roots in the French word “fiancer” (to promise) and the Latin verb fidere (to trust), according to the Merriam-Webster dictionary. Though the words have similar meanings and identical spoken pronunciation, they are intentionally spelled—and used—differently. 

The etiquette and linguistic history behind fiancé and fiancée traces the same path as many of the other gendered words in the English language—and as some of the other words English speakers have borrowed from the French. Understanding the meaning, use, and evolution of these terms won’t just help you make sure your written references are correct; it will guarantee that you’re referring to your engaged friends and family with the terms they prefer. 

The History of Fiancé and Fiancée

After English speakers incorporated the term “affianced” into their language in the 1500s, the shift to include fiancé and fiancée in the mid-1800s felt like a natural transition, says Lindsay Rose Russell, associate professor of English at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign and executive director of the Dictionary Society of North America. “For complicated political and cultural reasons, English speakers tend to understand French as a language of refinement and etiquette,” says Russell. “Therefore, English speakers have often turned to French words when talking about the formal and the ceremonial. Someone accustomed to speaking of, ‘a lady affianced to a prince,’ could now describe that same person as, ‘a prince’s fiancée.’”

The terms joined a long line of words used to indicate a man’s or woman’s intention to marry. “Bride is by far the oldest term for a woman who is altar-bound; it dates to pre-1150 Old English, but is often confined in meaning to persons on or very near their wedding day,” says Russell. “Prior to using fiancée/fiancé, English speakers used terms like betrothed (circa 1557), intended (circa 1767), and bride-elect (circa 1700) or bridegroom-elect (circa 1688).” 

The Difference Between Fiancé and Fiancée

The difference between the two terms is simple and straightforward: “Fiancé and fiancée both refer to an engaged person, but fiancé is the masculine form of the word and refers to a man who is engaged, and fiancée is the feminine form of the word that refers to a woman who is engaged,” says etiquette expert Christin Gomes, co-founder of Common Courtesy. Merriam-Webster clarifies that the words describe the person who is engaged—not the gender of their partner—so a woman is a fiancée whether she is marrying a man or a woman.

However, the terms are only different when written; their spoken pronunciations are identical. “I suspect many—even, most—English speakers are unaware that fiancé and fiancée are different words with different meanings,” says Russell. “The words sound the same and mean largely the same thing!”

Can You Use Fiancé as a Gender-Neutral Term?

Historically, fiancé—when written—only refers to men, and fiancée to women. “Retaining the French written distinction between the sonically identical terms fiancé and fiancée is another nod to the formal and ceremonial,” says Russell. “English is fond of mangling most borrowings so they fit its patterns of spelling and pronunciation, so the fact it has retained the accent marks and the gender differences of French is rather remarkable.” However, the words are indistinguishable from each other when spoken, meaning that a single word is used to describe both men and women who are engaged. “In speech, we use these terms gender neutrally by default: You literally can’t hear the difference between the words,” says Russell. “In writing, the difference is most strongly maintained in edited, published texts, where the visual difference can helpfully signal distinct meanings.” 

Over the past century, the idea of gendering English words with endings like -ess or -ette—has “largely fallen out of favor,” says Russell, who gives suffragettes who preferred to be called suffragists and actresses who prefer the term actor as two examples. “Gendered endings have often marked women as deviant or diminutive when they occupy positions held without fanfare by men,” she says. “Throughout the 1970s and 1980s, feminist language planners successfully advocated for large-scale language changes that would make English more gender-neutral and gender-inclusive. In addition to normalizing use of titles like Ms. in place of Mrs. and Miss, they encouraged modifying all kinds of words that were often unnecessarily gendered, like chairman.” 

These language planners suggested foregoing French feminine terms with an added -e on the end—like blonde, brunette, and protogée—in favor of using the standard forms without the final vowels gender-neutrally. “The same was recommended for divorce/divorcée, but, over time, it appears to be the French-feminine divorcée that’s becoming gender neutral,” says Russell. The same may be true of fiancé and fiancée: “According to Google Ngram, fiancée has occurred more frequently in print in the last four or five years than ever before, and it’s more frequently used than its counterpart fiancé,” says Russell. “This pattern might suggest that, like divorcée, fiancée has the potential to eclipse the masculine standard in use and come to stand for engaged humans of all genders.”  

The bent toward formality and ceremony that made these terms appealing to English speakers in the 1800s might have also set them up for a modern backlash. “It could simply fall out of fashion, or be replaced by a witty coinage. Words change over time: Spellings shift, and meanings drift, not always predictably,” says Russell. “As with many words, speakers sometimes have strong opinions about fiancé/fiancée:  Some folks find it thrilling to use the word; others find it uncomfortable. According to a 2016 New York Times article, the terms are ‘increasingly unpopular’ because people find them ‘pretentious,’ ‘awkward,’ and ‘too hetero.’”

To adjust the term for gender-neutral usage in print, says Gomes, “Some chose to eliminate the accent over the e in text to remove the gender.” If the term still feels too gendered, use a neutral alternative—like partner or future spouse—or sub in a phrase like, “We are engaged.” “It’s really best to take the engaged person’s lead in what they would like to be called, regardless of gender,” says Gomes.