I wrote recently about the dangerous imbecility of what is marketed by Tesla and other vehicle manufacturers as “self-driving” cars that require the person sitting behind the wheel to be ready to intervene at all times. In other words, to drive the “self-driving” car when the tech fails to notice a deer (or a kid) that has wandered into its  path. In other words, the car is not really “self-driving.” But the driver is egged on to not be ready to intervene at all times.

Because – hey – the car is “self-driving.”

Now behold the self-locking Tesla.

A woman getting ready for Halloween got a trick that wasn’t a treat after she put her toddler in her Tesla and it locked the toddler inside. “The door won’t open,” the woman’s husband exclaimed. “I don’t understand,” the woman replied. “I’m trying the app” – mark that – “the handle won’t work.”

“I was terrified . . .my child was screaming . . . ”

A Fox News reporter added more: “The manual key”- which is actually an electronic card similar to the ones now commonly used in hotels to unlock the door to the room –  “didn’t do anything.” Neither did “restarting the Tesla app.” And “despite the vehicle itself being fully charged, none of the doors would open.”

Luckily, a window had been left slightly cracked open, so the toddler didn’t suffocate. Also, the Tesla was parked, so the toddler wasn’t in danger of drowning because she couldn’t get out because the windows wouldn’t roll down, as happened to the sister-in-law of the Dirty Turtle – Senator Mitch McConnell – a few months back when she inadvertently backed up her device into a pond, causing the electronics to fritz.

Including the electronically controlled windows and locks.

This time, the fritz was caused by a battery problem. Not the usual battery problem. A problem with the other battery. The 12 volt starter battery that Teslas and other devices have, in addition to the massive battery pack that stores the electricity that powers the device’s motors.

In a Tesla device, the 12V starter battery supplies  power to accessories such as the door locks. Which – in a Tesla – are of course controlled entirely electrically. In the Before Time – when even cars that had power locks also had manual up/down lock releases – you could use a coat hanger to open a locked door, even if the battery was dead. And so long as you had a physical key, it didn’t matter whether the battery was dead. The door could be locked/unlocked just the same.

But that was back when cars still had exterior locks to put a key into – as opposed to having an “app” on your device or swiping a card near your device (or having a fob in your pocket or purse recognized by your device).

Eventually, the cops arrived and got the door open. “We all cheered,” the woman said. But what if time had been of the essence? What if it had been a 100 degree day – and the window hadn’t been already cracked open? Teslas have laminated side glass, so they are much harder to smash. That fact appears to have contributed to the drowning of the Dirty Turtle’s sister-in-law. Would-be rescuers were reportedly unable to break the glass to get her our before the car slipped below the surface.

Astoundingly, the woman who found herself locked out of her device – with her toddler inside the device – told Fox that “one of the things she really likes about Tesla is that she usually gets warnings and updates about any and all issues.”

Italics added.

Does unlocking a car need to be this complicated?

Perhaps it is nice to receive “warnings and updates about any and all issues” from a device, via a device. But when cars weren’t devices, “issues” like this didn’t crop up. If you found you’d locked yourself out of your vehicle, it  was just a minor annoyance. You’d call home to have your wife (or husband) or whomever drive to where you were with a spare key. Or you’d open it up with a coat hanger. If that failed, any locksmith could get you in.

If a kid happened to be in the car, all the kid had to do was pull up the  knob – something any kid older than a toddler can do to get out of a car, if necessity requires. And if a kid younger than that happened to be locked inside and no key or coat hanger was at hand and it was very hot out, you could always smash the glass. Because in the Before Time, only the windshield was laminated.

And about those “warnings and updates” . . .

Fox says the woman didn’t get one about the tired state of her device’s 12 V battery until after it had already died. So when it just died, her toddler almost died. Or might have.

“It seems to be a problem,” the woman told Fox.

Of course, the real problem is these devices – which make things that were simple and reliable into complicated and dangerous.

That’s the “update” for today.

. . .

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