When disputes arise, do you always find yourself taking the role of peacekeeper, or do you keep out of the way until tempers cool? Are you the apple of your parent’s eye – or the scapegoat when anything goes wrong?

For whether you were the first born, a middle child, or even an only child, there are some universal ‘roles’ or positions we tend to adopt when dealing with our family members. Left unchecked, these patterns of behaviour can continue into adulthood and impact other relationships – and not always in a healthy way.

An important part of my job as a couples and family psychotherapist is helping people identify the family roles they might have assumed when young, and to help them live in a way that reflects what they actually want, rather than according to a stereotype that’s been prescribed to them.

Here are some examples of the role you may have been playing your whole life – and how you can escape it in order to lead a more meaningful life.

The golden child

Although they might deny it, families often have a ‘golden child’. Perhaps you were the studious one, or the first in the family to get a place at university, and your parents have always showered praise and celebrated your achievements.

This might sound wonderful, but it is stressful to have to shoulder the burden of your parents’ aspirations (and endure the envy of siblings).

For some, this pressure can lead to adolescent rebellion and self-sabotage. In young women, the heightened levels of anxiety can sometimes manifest in eating disorders or other mental health issues.

As an adult, enduring golden child status can leave you buckling under the weight of expectation, burdened by over-inflated hopes and dreams. Clients come to me with anxiety and depression, saying they live in perpetual worry that they let everyone down, and feel they’ll never be good enough.

I remind them that no one is perfect, and encourage them to explore the playful, rebellious side to their nature so they can create a more realistic picture of themselves.

The black sheep

This label is often given to the child who doesn’t quite fit in or who has brought some kind of shame on the family. If you’ve been given the black sheep label there’s every chance you were left to do your own thing while your parents focused on their golden child.

It can leave you feeling ashamed and isolated, and that you are to blame for everything, even when events are objectively beyond your control.

In adulthood, it can also lead people to accept bad behaviour towards them, because they believe they are not worthy of kindness.

I work to help black sheep recognise that they may be carrying the burden of shame for the entire family and they don’t have to be defined by this.

The parent-child

In many families one child – often the eldest – will step forward into a quasi-parent role, looking after younger siblings and later taking charge of care for elderly parents if they fall ill.

If you’ve been given responsibility at a young age it is common to carry this sense of obligation into adulthood, loading you with a sense of duty towards your family.

Without being aware of it, those in this role might extend this feeling of responsibility to their partner and children, being overly exacting and critical. This role can lead to exhaustion and resentment because you pile so much pressure on yourself that you are left with no time or energy to pursue your own goals.

It can be really tough to let go, but you need to give yourself permission to hand over the reins and encourage those around you to step up to fill the gap.

The baby

It is usually the youngest child who occupies the ‘baby’ role but it might also go to a child that is vulnerable, perhaps less healthy or neurodiverse. Other members of the family are expected to watch over and support the baby.

If you’re the baby, this layer of protection might be useful when you are young, but you might find it difficult to launch yourself into the adult world.

Some babies can fall into the trap of ‘conscious incompetence’, having learned that by avoiding or botching tasks someone will step in, allowing them to shirk responsibility.

I always encourage babies to break out of this role. However, adult siblings and parents also have to be willing to let go of their role as caretakers in order for the baby to grow up.

The mediator

In many families there’s one child who takes on the role of keeping the peace between warring siblings or parents.

But although it might help you acquire useful mediation skills, it can be tough. I see people who are exhausted by the strain of considering everyone’s point of view, and suffering from painful splits of loyalties if they are forced to choose between family members.

Try to find ways to protect yourself from the turmoil of having to choose; it can be liberating to create boundaries and form independent relationships with those around you so you can avoid getting caught up in every argument.

It might be as simple as saying something like: ‘If you’ve got a problem with X discuss it with them directly, I don’t want to be involved.’

For more information see reeneesingh.com/

As told to Louise Atkinson.