Even before I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis (MS), I struggled with the concept of self-care. Self-care is anything you do to take care of your physical, mental, and emotional health. With such a simple definition, why have I had so much difficulty doing it?
For years, my perfectionist and over-analytical tendencies made it hard to settle into what self-care meant to me. I always worried I wasn’t doing it “right” or that I’d never perfect the magic formula to achieve pinnacle self-care because of external pressure around what self-care meant and how to “do” it. Scrolling through social media, I felt intimidated by the many self-care practices that people shared – and I thought I would never be able to “achieve” this blissful state. I came across so many different perspectives and combinations of various activities, how-to’s, and must-do’s. It was overwhelming and the opposite of stress-relieving. It doesn’t help that I was always the last person on my list of things to prioritize, which many people struggle with.
If I did yoga only two days this week, was I not hitting my self-care goal? If my mind drifted while trying to meditate, was I doing it wrong? Should I be mad at myself for getting stressed out and anxious – did it mean that I would never have inner peace? Maybe these are ridiculous thoughts, but that’s what would go through my mind when I recognized I needed to do something to reset.
The pervasive idea of self-care also feels like a newer concept. I can’t recall a time growing up learning or talking about it, or even thinking about it when I was in my 20s (which took place firmly in the “girl boss” era). When I lived and worked in New York City, hustling and overworking were the norm. I was probably burned out for 10 years – living in a high-stress state was just how my body functioned (and we can see where that got me!).
Being diagnosed with MS thrust self-care directly into the spotlight and completely changed my perspective on what self-care meant to me. I was suddenly faced with some non-negotiables when it came to taking care of myself because I didn’t have a choice. Stress, not getting enough sleep, not eating healthy, and not incorporating movement causes uncomfortable (or sometimes painful) MS symptoms. I feel like I finally understood.
Self-care is not a specific array of activities that must be done in the right order. It’s not a one-size-fits-all practice or a finish line you cross to get to the ultimate self-care state. Self-care isn’t a far-off luxury or something only some people get to have.
Self-care really is as simple as it sounds. Caring for yourself, in whatever way you need to, in whatever form that takes. Living with MS, I’ve learned and accepted what self-care means to me; it takes many forms and isn’t universal – it’s personal. For me, self-care can look like:
Checking in with myself and giving myself what I need at that moment, acknowledging and accepting my feelings, and doing things today that will help me tomorrow.
Resting when I need to, even if it’s inconvenient, because resting and getting sleep are critical to ensuring my body and mind can function.
Connecting with my friends because it feels good for my soul; it gives me energy, love, and feelings of gratitude.
Spending time with my family, whether we’re talking, listening to music, or just hanging out, because I feel safe and comfortable.
Reading, or specifically losing myself in a story or learning something new. When I read, I’m inspired to write – and to imagine.
Watching a movie that makes me laugh, even if I’ve seen it many times. I feel comforted, like I’m visiting old friends.
Cooking, or going to a great restaurant, and enjoying every bite. There is nothing more mindful than savoring a bite of a delicious meal.
Taking a breath of fresh air, whether on the roof deck of my Chicago apartment or on the beach at the Jersey shore. Nature is good for us!
Ultimately, self-care means putting my health first. Gone are the days of having anxiety about missing some hours of work because I have to go to the doctor or feeling guilty for needing to take a nap. While I still get stressed out like anyone, I try to remove stressors and focus on the positives in life. Most importantly: I’m not letting myself get stressed out that I’m doing “self-care” right.
If you’re like me, and you’ve been putting off self-care because you’re afraid you’ll get it wrong, I’m here to tell you: You won’t. Only you can determine what self-care means to you. Your self-care might not be the same as my self-care, and that’s OK – all that matters is that you’re doing what you need to do to consciously, purposefully take care of yourself.
