Texting can be a quick and easy way to connect with someone you like, especially when you’re just getting to know one another. But not all texting is equal — in fact, some guys text too aggressively while others are way too relaxed. The good news? You get to think through what you want to say, allowing you to carefully craft the message you hope to deliver before you hit “send.” 

Here are 11 steps to becoming the guy whose texts she opens first, and the one she always replies to. 

Here are 11 specific, helpful tips for texting a woman you really like

1. Text her within 24 hours of meeting her

If you’ve just met and she gave you her phone number or you connected on social media, like Instagram or Snapchat, it’s best to text her within the first 24 hours after meeting her. This is a good time frame because it’s not too fast, but it also lets her know you’re interested.

2. Know who she is and why you’re texting her before you start typing

Ask yourself the following questions before you start writing texts:

• What do you want to know about her?
• What do you like about her?
• Who is she as a person?
• Why do you find her so attractive and interesting?

Once you answer these questions for yourself, you’ll know where to begin texting the woman you like. You’ll also have a good sense of what not to text because you’ll have considered who she is and what she might find interesting. Not just what you want to say to her.

3. Make sure your opening line is sincere and starts a conversation

What sounds genuine? What would help start a conversation? Texting a woman something like, “Good morning, love,” “Good morning, beautiful,” or especially, “Good morning, hottie” when you don’t know her well can be a huge turnoff. Save the good morning texts for when you’re dating or in a real relationship.

Texting these types of comments may also convey to her you may not be entirely certain of who you are texting. She could easily think you may be sending out batches of generic, pre-written texts to as many women as possible, then waiting to see who responds. Many women lose interest fairly quickly if they believe you’re on some kind of fishing expedition rather than striving to get to know them personally.

Just like men, women want to feel special and unique, not as though they are simply one of many. They also want to feel valued for more than how they look and seen as more than a conquest.

So think it through, and don’t be impulsive. Say something unique and personal. And for heaven’s sake, use her name.

4. Show her you have been paying attention (without seeming like a stalker)

Think about something that connects the two of you or something unique you noticed about her. Comment on something interesting that happened at the place where you both work or on something she may have said in class.

For example, if you know she’s a fan of the classic show, “Buffy The Vampire Slayer,” mention you were thinking of binging it this weekend and you remembered she liked it. If you see her walking her dog, mention how cute her dog is and talk about your pets.

Just don’t start listing off all the things you know about her like you’re an FBI informant. Mentioning one or two things will be enough.

5. Ask her a few meaningful, open-ended questions

Going back to step #1, think about what you want to know about her and what matters to you. It’s fun to ask questions like, “What’s your favorite color?” but those are better saved for later on when you’re lingering on long FaceTime calls or hanging out.

Once you’ve warmed up with a casual question like, “How did you feel about that test today?” or “What are you up to this weekend?”, ask her something more personal. There are tried-and-true questions to help you get to know someone, or you can tailor questions to who you know her to be.

An open-ended question makes room for her to give a long response, not just a one-word “yes” or “no” type of thing.

A study in the Communication Studies Journal supports the idea of trying in build intimacy to follow the natural flow of the conversation. For instance, in the example above, if she seems excited you’re going to watch “Buffy,” ask, “What’s your favorite thing about the show?” or “What makes you love it?”

If you want to get to know someone, listening to them talk about what makes them happy is one of the best ways. Just remember a little goes a long way.

6. Say something personal — but not too personal

Contribute your own opinions and feelings, but don’t get too deep the first time you text a girl. She doesn’t need to know all the messy details of your parents’ divorce or your last heartbreak in your first few snaps, so save that stuff for later when you can tell she’s ready to have deep conversations.

If you’re talking about TV and movies, share what you love and why. If you’re talking about school, open up about what’s been tough for you — maybe a subject you found challenging or a teacher who seems super mean.

7. Keep bringing the conversation back to her

Don’t get lost in your tangents! It’s easy to text away on a rant or go down a rabbit hole about something you love. But when you’re first texting a woman, it’s good to keep steering the conversation back to her. Ask more questions or respond to something she said earlier, this builds intimacy as explained in a study by researcher S. Luo.

8. Compliment her the right way

S. Luo conducted another study showing how positivity in texting improves connection. A non-romantic compliment like, “It’s so cool you play the saxophone” or “I admire how much time you spend volunteering.” They need to be genuine compliments, as insincerity is a major turnoff for most people.

9. Follow her lead

If she seems to want to have a super casual conversation — like just talking about work or school, don’t push it. If she is talking about deeper issues, follow her into those things as long as she continues to reciprocate, as supported in a study led by Johnathan Ohadi on similarity in texting and relationship satisfaction.

If she’s sending you selfies or snaps, pay attention to the types of pics they are. If she’s snapping you random pics of her ceiling or her forehead, don’t send a super intimate pic back. By the same measure, if she’s texting you selfies of her whole face where she’s trying to look cute, you should do the same.

Most importantly, if she’s not engaging as much as you, back off.

10. Keep it rated PG

Texts that don’t seek to explore the context of a woman’s character but rather her physical dimensions are typically nothing but a huge turn-off.

These texts aren’t only creepy, but they convey the message you’re only interested in one thing.

If you are interested in a woman and think you’d want to build a relationship with her, you want to be transparent and authentic.

You want her to know you are interested in her mind, soul, and interests, not just the physical aspects of her.

11. Know when to say ‘GTG’

The old comedy trope “leave them wanting more” is perfect when it comes to texting a girl you like. Go out on a high note so you can text her again tomorrow or in a few days. She may even text you again sooner than that, and she may even ask to FaceTime then, too.

But if she’s losing interest, it’s best to get out early and end on a high note.

Texting gives you time to figure out how to flirt with a woman over text in a way that will tell her you like her (and help get a woman interested in you, too). But, since a text doesn’t convey body language, you need to be sure you are being clear, or she’ll stop texting you.

With texting, you get an opportunity to make changes and edits to your messages before the person on the other end receives them.